Why CAN’T I Die Before I Wake? Gosh Darn it!
by Viiriniel
Summary: This is a spoof on the story “If I Die Before I Wake,” by the famed Kozakura. Silliness abounds.
1. Default Chapter

Why CAN'T I Die Before I Wake? Gosh Darn it! This is a spoof on the story "If I Die Before I Wake," by the famed Kozakura. Silliness abounds.  
  
This story contains vulgar language, sexual references, violence, gore, rape, suicide, and many other squickable things! It is based on the story "If I Die Before I Wake," which was written by Kozakura. Go read that first. Her's is infinitely much better as I only wrote this for some cheap laughs. 


	2. The Beginning

The Beggining  
  
Sevvy: Woe is me. I suck. You suck. They all suck. Plus- get this-I am dying. Bohoo. Oh what the fuck. I'm still cool enough to get one last laugh before I'm six feet under, I might as well scare you kiddies with my life story. Should be fun, No?  
  
*Insert Melodramatic Flashback Music here*  
  
Mommy Snape: SEVERUS! Get your pathetic rear in here you good for nothing boy!  
  
Sev: Yes mother...  
  
Mommy Snape: Don't use that tone with me! Gar! You wimp of a child!  
  
*Back to the Present*  
  
Sevvy: My parents loved me. Really.  
  
*At Hogwarts, Snape's 5th year*  
  
Sevvy: SLICE AND DICE! Muahahaha. Woah! Blood loss. Going skitzo..  
  
Vampire!Sevvy: You suck. You can't even maim yourself properly! What type of depressed moron are you?!  
  
Sevvy: *Sob!*  
  
*The Next Day, at Breakfast*  
  
Peter: I'm a looser.  
  
James: I'm perfect! W00t!  
  
Remus & Sirius: *Insert slash undertones here*  
  
Sevvy: *Snicker*  
  
Lucius: Hey, we both hate Gryffindors. Lets fuck.  
  
Sevvy: ...  
  
Lucius: Great!  
  
*Later that Day*  
  
Lucius: Oh Sevvvvvvvverrrusssssss. Blood! Yummy! So pretty! You know I love pale boys, tehehehe.  
  
Sevvy: *Catholic undertones here*  
  
Lucius: See ya at dinner, Sev-boi!  
  
*In the shower*  
  
Author: Ooooo. Naked. Pale. Sevvy. *Giggle*  
  
Sevvy: *Sob Sob Sob Sob Sob* Hair Cut! MUAHAHAHAHA. *Sob Sob Sob*  
  
Lucius: Done yet my Sevvy-poo?  
  
Sevvy: *Mutters* Fuck off.  
  
Lucius: What was that Sevvy?  
  
Sevvy: Oh nothing my dear Lucius!  
  
Lucius: I thought so.  
  
*Potions Class the Next day*  
  
James: Where ever did you get that violent bite mark?  
  
Sevvy: Not telling...  
  
James: Fuck you.  
  
Sevvy: Hey! At least I'm getting some action you prude. Now. As you can see I am horribly weak from blood loss and what not. Help me lift this cauldron.  
  
James: I'll find out where you're getting this mad hot sex Sev! If it's the last thing I do!  
  
Sevvy: Who said you could call me Sev...  
  
James: ... 


	3. The Middle

The Middle  
  
  
  
*Some time Later in Hogsmead*  
  
Lucius: Join the dark side! Its uber kewl!  
  
Sevvy: 'kay!  
  
Dark Mysterious guy: *Foreshadowing what's to come!* Mmmmm! A yummy pale boi with cash and a serious lack self-confidence! Good work Lucy!  
  
Lucius: No prob!  
  
Dark Mysterious guy: So just sign your name right here and your eternal soul will belong to us!  
  
Sevvy: 'kay!  
  
*Even later*  
  
Evil dude: You swear to do whatever well tall ya in exchange for really cool black robes and a snazzy white mask? Sev and Luc: Yep!  
  
Evil dude: *Points to a cute little family* Slice and dice!  
  
Sevvy: Oooooooo. Time for repayment! *  
  
Scared Boy: Squeak!  
  
Sevvy: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE POWER! THE POWER! OH YEAH! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! *Blood, Gore*  
  
Scared Boy: *Die*  
  
Audience: ...  
  
Death Eaters: ...*Hurl*  
  
Sevvy: WIMPS! MUAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
Voldemort: Bravo! Our new pasty angst boy has spunk!  
  
Sevvy: Spunk...? ...  
  
*Present*  
  
Sevvy: *Angst!* Damn, I was a sick looser.  
  
*Later*  
  
Lucius: Now Sev, there is just something about your scrawny, pale, goth boi- ness that is just so nummy!  
  
Sevvy: Tell me about it..  
  
*Later*  
  
Voldie: Here Sevvy Sevvy Sevvy!  
  
Sevvy: Yep?  
  
Voldie: Tell me 'bout yourself.  
  
Sevvy: Well... I like long walks on the beach, curling up in the dungeons with a good book, potion fumes, kittens, chocola-  
  
Voldie: Way to much info. Uhm. How bout you tell me what makes you so gosh darn hot?  
  
Sevvy: Well then. I am tall, scrawny, pale, angsty, uhm, had long black, eye covering hair.. Uhm, was abused as a child and am looking for a place to fit in.. (*Sob*) Did I mention I look good in fishnets and leather?  
  
Voldie: *Drool*  
  
Author: *Drool*  
  
Sevvy: *Blink* Wait a sec-  
  
Voldie: *Glomp*  
  
Sevvy: Ohhh Voldie.. Ohh YES! YES! There we go.. Voldie, oh yeah!  
  
Voldie: I just cant get enough of your cute little pale self! Oh Sevvy!  
  
Sevvy: Did I mention I like bondage...?  
  
Voldie: *Tackle*  
  
*One big Orgy later*  
  
Sevvy: *Grumble*  
  
Author: There is just no pleasing you, is there Sev? I mean first you get banged the living day lights out of ya by Lucius (Ok, I know it was against your will, but c'mon, don't tell us ya didn't like it), then you and Voldie (who still looks like Tom Riddle might I add) got something going, not to mention the throng of fangirls waiting outside Hogwart's walls for you to just step your little glompable self outside.  
  
Sevvy: *Grumble*  
  
Author: Be that way. *Wink Wink*  
  
Sevvy: *Twitches and walks into the main hall*  
  
Sirius: Sev, ole buddy, ole pal!  
  
Sevvy: *Glare*  
  
Sirius: Hey, James wants to meet you under the whomping willow, if you catch my drift.  
  
Sevvy: UHG! I am sick of this. What if I don't go?  
  
Sirius: You will. *Wink Wink*  
  
Sevvy: *Mutters*  
  
*Later that night*  
  
Remus: Arrrwwooooooooo! Woof Woof! Howl!  
  
Sevvy: AHHHHH WHEREWOLF! YAY! I GET TO DIE AND LEAVE THIS HELL HOLD! SEE YA'S SUCKERS! Wait. I don't really want to die, do I?  
  
Sirius: *Snicker*  
  
Peter: I'll save you!  
  
Sevvy: Damn.  
  
Vampire!Sevvy: Hahah! Told ya you couldn't even get yourself killed. Wimp.  
  
Sevvy: Shuddup.  
  
*Over the next 3 years*  
  
Lucius: Eh. I sleep around. Not much happens.  
  
Sevvy: I become Voldie's personal sex toy.  
  
Voldie: I rule! Booyeah!  
  
Sevvy: ...  
  
Voldie: Hey, Sev, wanna make me an immortality potion?  
  
Sevvy: Not really..  
  
Voldie: To bad, make one anyways.  
  
Sevvy: 'kay.  
  
Lucius: Did I mention I sleep around?  
  
Dumbledor: I know what you're up to Sev. Unprotected sex is dangerous, you know.  
  
Sevvy: I'm trying to kill myself, remember?  
  
Dumbledor: Oh yeah. Ok. Well stop by if ya needa chat!  
  
Sevvy: Okies. Toodles! Hahah! SEE YA HOGWARTS!  
  
*While later*  
  
Voldie: Time to try the potion!  
  
Sevvy: Uhm..  
  
Voldie: AHHHH!!!! IM BALDING AHHHHH! SPASM! AH!!! OH SHIT! AHHHH! *Die*  
  
Sevvy: Damn. I killed the Dark Lord.  
  
*Even later*  
  
Voldie: Hey, Sev. Its all good, shit happens!  
  
Sevvy: Uhmm, thanks...?  
  
Voldie: *Insane cackle!* Its all THEIR FAULT! MUAHAHA  
  
Sevvy: Who's fault?  
  
Voldie: THE EVIL CLOWNS!!!  
  
Sevvy: M'lord...?  
  
Voldie: Uh, my bad.. Uhm, the death eaters.. Right. Um YEAH! It was THEIR fault.  
  
Sevvy: ...  
  
*Couple Days Later*  
  
Lucius: Where ya been, boy?  
  
Sevvy: With the Dark Lord. Duh. Its not like I have a social life.  
  
Lucius: *Glare*  
  
Sevvy: Uhm, he requested me?  
  
Lucius: *Slap* You're MY property, bitch!  
  
Sevvy: Oh yeah. Damn.  
  
*Even Later*  
  
Sevvy: I got nothing left. Life sucks. See yas peeps! Time to visit Big-D!  
  
Dumbledore: Can't help ya kid. You screwed up big time.  
  
Sevvy: WTF?  
  
*In steps Minister of Magic and more Catholic undertones*  
  
MM: We'll give ya 30 pieces of silver and a free criminal record for Voldie.  
  
Dumbledore: Don't be a wimp.  
  
Sevvy: Uhm yeah.. Sure thing.  
  
*One random night*  
  
Voldie: Wee! I rock.  
  
Sevvy: *Smootch*  
  
Voldie: WTF? I was the one dude who loved you for your sad pathetic self and not your hot scrawny body!  
  
Sevvy: Oh yeah. Fuck.  
  
MM Dudes: TO LATE L00z3Rz! DIEEEE SUCKERZ! *Twang, Zap, Pang*  
  
Lucius: Hey Cutie..  
  
Sevvy: Me?  
  
Lucius: *WInk* Yep! *Pop*  
  
*In Luc-cie's rooms*  
  
Lucius: I still love ya..  
  
Sevvy: Fuck off.  
  
Lucius: WHAT? I always get what I want muh Sev-Boi. *Wink*  
  
Sevvy: *SLICE AND DICE* BLOOOOOOOD! MUAHAHAHAHA! Take that Luce. NANANANANANANAANANA!  
  
Lucius: Oooo Sevvy, you've seemed to have suddenly developed balls.. Hrmm.. *Wink*  
  
Sevvy: Do you EVER give up?  
  
Lucius: No.  
  
Sevvy: Oh, ok, just checking.  
  
Lucius: Sure. Close the door on your way out.  
  
Sevvy: Yep. 


	4. More Middle

More Middle  
  
  
  
*Hogwarts*  
  
Sevvy: I CANT TAKE EVERYONE HITTING ON ME DAMN IT! Uhhhhhh. I mean. I CANT TAKE THIS KILLING, RAPING, EVIL DARK LORDS GONE NUTSO, PHYSCOTIC BLONDES, AND GENERAL AGNST ANYMORE!  
  
Vampire!Sev: Trying again, are we?  
  
Sevvy: *Glare* Elysium, here we come! *Hangs himself*  
  
Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Sob*  
  
Mark: Cliffhanger! HAHAHAHA!  
  
Sevvy: Damn. I'm not dead.  
  
Dumbledore: Course not, you're far too hot, uhm, I mean important to die.  
  
Vampire!Sev: HAHAH  
  
Everyone: Shut up!  
  
Vampire!Sev: Shutting up.  
  
Dumbledor: Look at it this way. You get to be a spy and feel like you're doing penance or whatever. Plus, you get this humble abode down in these nice cozy dungeons.  
  
Sevvy: Sounds good.  
  
*Later*  
  
Sevvy (in tight leather pants and shirtless, chained to the floor): AHHHHHH! NO MORE WHIPPINGS! AHHHH! *Sob*  
  
Voldie: Enough.  
  
Sevvy: W00t!  
  
Voldie: You hurt my Sev, know that? Promise you wont do it again, kay?  
  
Sevvy: Sure.  
  
Voldie: Wee.  
  
*Present day*  
  
Sevvy: So yeah. I spied on peeps. It was cool. I saved some people, lost some others. It about evens out.  
  
Vampire!Sev: Oh give me a break! You still cry yourself to sleep everynight.  
  
Sevvy: ... *Sob*  
  
*Dark Lord's Crib*  
  
Voldie: Were gonna kill the Potters.  
  
Sevvy: Uhm, that's phat yo.. Uhm, lemme go get some special potion back at Hogwarts. Right...  
  
Voldie: Sure thang, hun. *Snicker*  
  
Sevvy: *Writes note to D. There Gonna Get James and Co, gotta run. Peace out.*  
  
Voldie: MUAHAH! I know what your wroteeeee.  
  
*Godrics Hollow*  
  
James: AHHHHH! *Dead*  
  
Lilly: Ahhhhhhh! *Dead*  
  
Harry: Mummy.?  
  
(Author: All with me now, awwwwww)  
  
Sevvy: NOOOOO!  
  
Voldie: *Die/Spasm/Go bye bye*  
  
Sevvy: Nooooo! Wait. Yay.? *Black out*  
  
*At Hogwarts some years later, after Harry's sorting*  
  
Sevvy: WINNEEEEEEE! WEEE! *Hiccup*  
  
House Elf: Eeeep. Yes'sir..  
  
Sevvy: Woe me. Woe Lucius. Woe Voldie. Woe James. Ah Shit. Life sucks. Can't cry. Can't kill myself. Can't kill others. Fuck, I can't even go screw Lucius any more. Fuck Pettigrew, and Fuck Sirius; the mad bastard. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be talking. After all, I am talking to myself. Tehe. *Hiccup* Maybe I should have stayed at Mungos. Aw, fuck that, too.  
  
Dumbledore: What the fuck is your problem now Sev?  
  
Sevvy: *Hiccup* I shoulda DIEDDDDDD! Not to mention the fucking obscenities that are happening in this story.  
  
Vampire!Sev: No shit Sherlock.  
  
Sevvy: *Scowl*  
  
Dumbledore: Shit happens. How bout this? You protect Harry and be your usual happy self, then you die?  
  
Sevvy: Sounds good. 


End file.
